What's Good 4 Da Goose

It's true, you know. Ma has kept me out of this. She's kept me out of other stuff, too.

It's also true that she took care of a boatload of details that would affect me during her absence.

She tells me she needs to sleep, that she needs seclusion, like a wounded animal. She told me she was asleep all that first day at her sister's.

Then, yesterday, she emailed, telling me she'd actually been running errands and visiting relatives.

When I asked why she hadn't shared the info on FFS with me, she claimed she'd been too busy, attending details.

But then, in an email she sent recently, she suggested something else was going on. We recently moved into this house; it's only been about four months. It was hard to move, without a truck. And she suffered a back injury during that time. AND, her job has been exceptionally demanding during that time.

She said something about, given the crises we'd been through every month, she hadn't been willing to share with me the details of surgical procedures.

I don't know, because I can't ask until she has recuperated more, but I think she isn't willing to deal with my emotional needs.

She feels my reading the URLs in her Favorites files that pertain to FFS is an "infraction." She says she understands why I needed the info, having been left "out of the loop."

Infraction?

She gave me full access to her computer.

She said she wasn't comfortable that I was accessing info from before she knew me.

But doesn't it affect our relationship? Shouldn't I be informed?

So, I need to make some decisions.

Ma has serious issues. She's been hiding her transexual status for nearly three decades. She has no close friends. She doesn't confide in people. Most of her mental landscape involves secrets and misdirection.

Now, she does think of me as a very close friend. She tells me things, she says, that she's never told anybody...not even her sister.

She says she can talk to me about anything.

And I believe she believes that.

But it's not true.

She pulled some sort of stunt like this before. I don't remember the exact details. But, I remember asking, "what else are you hiding from me, that's going to scare me to death?" I remember her answering that there was nothing.

Then, this shut out, re: her surgery.

She's telling me, very clearly, that she doesn't have time for me under certain circumstances. Unfortunately, these are circumstances of critical importance. They affect me directly and substantially.

For instance: she's telling me she decided on FFS because she wants to make career changes. She's afraid people, on job interviews, will see her as tired. She's concerned about being photogenic, which she thinks she never was in the past. She's fifty years old; changing careers in this day and age is hard when one is older. I rather understand that she doesn't want "to look tired and old" while job hunting.

Well, she has made some brief, passing comments about possibly seeking a new place of employment. That's all.

I didn't know this was a high priority. It's apparantly important enough to sink eighteen thousand dollars into facial reconstruction.

I should have known; we should have been discussing it.

I need to decide what to do about this. I don't want to live with this half-assed, at her convenience stuff. Either I'm a partner, or I'm a roommate, or I'm a friend.

I need to hear from her which it is.

And then, I'll need to make some decisions about what I need to do.

I'm sure she thinks of this as the most intimate relationship she's ever had.

But, from my perspective, it's very distant.

And, under present circumstances, it's not adequate.

I can't pretend to be intimate with someone who is guarding and protecting herself from me.

And I won't bust my ass, trying to coax her into trusting me. That's crazy.

She'll need to choose whether I'm worth the effort.

And I need to choose whether she is, too.

I love her. Gawd knows, I do.

But I will not make myself sick at her expense.

I'll have to let her go.

The spouse of a mtf trans told me I might want to consider getting out, before I've invested too much time. She's been with her spouse for eleven years, and is really struggling.

A mtf trans. therapist said she'd never date a trans woman; "they're all CRAZY!" She included herself, too. She was very kind and talked with me for a very long time, the day I couldn't reach Ma by phone and her sister kept hanging up on me.

I love ma.

But I can't make myself sick.